. hyde & sick .

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Friday, April 22, 2005

on being too emotional and sensitive.. 5:49 AM

doesn't it just suck when you've done something for some people so that they feel that they mean a lot to you, yet it came unappreciated?hurts like hell, doesn't it?especially if it you'd expect them to be really happy but turns out your efforts meant nothing to them while you were there, pouring out all the emotion and putting all the meaning because you loved them and they were really special..what a slap in the face..sometimes you'd even think, what a waste of effort..but of course, you love them that's why you just let it pass..that's what hurts more, i tell you..

during my grade school years, modesty aside, but i did excel academically..my mom would always go onstage to give me my award, whenever my dad was unavailable..frankly, i also got used to that..it was like, 'woohoo!im on top of the world!'but my world shattered when, at one time, my grades sort of just slid down like a cascading falls aided by gravity..but i still had my award; i felt relieved..yet, my mother seemed unsatisfied..then, my nightmare began..she started to compare me..with my brother..with my own bloody brother!i was really hurt, to put it simply..it was as if my hardworks were disregarded and what i did wasn't good enough..and for God's sake!how could she compare me with him?he's like freakin' 1st grade at that time and his math was like the basic 1+1!

but of course, even though i felt like i was stabbed to death, i let it pass..i told myself it was normal - that it was just some phase that my mom was going through because she wasn't used to it..yet, the nightmare continued..and it even became worse..from my academics, even my use as a 'daughter' was questioned..i was so hurt..it was so painful, i had to cry myself every night..but still, i accepted..i mean, she had every right, right?my mother had done everything for me and all i had to do was study and then i just screwed it all..so, i just drowned myself in formulas, in terms that seem to dissipate the instant i memorize them..i was practically, helpless..but i held on..and still, it wasn't enough for my mom..she had then pointed every mistake i made..and what was i supposed to do?act like i was some stone-hearted person, totally void of emotion?and then, maybe you can guess what i almost did - suicide..i was so ready to slash my wrist with that knife my mom sharpened the other night..but the image of my dad flashed in my mind..and i recalled how i promised myself i would finish my school and provide for my family so that my dad wouldn't have to work and be away from us..so from then on, i tried to numb myself, which was totally difficult considering the fact that i was a crybaby..later on, i realized, i'd just use my being a crybaby to my advantage..i told myself to cry it out everytime and let it pass with all the tears..then act like nothing has happened..in that way, they would never really know how you feel..

unfortunately for me, my freakin' world crumbled to an even more unbelievably microscopic pieces when on my freshman year, all i did was to be included in the 8th spot of the class..i cried of course..but mom never really realized how painful it was because she'd only see me cry..she never saw how all the pain would be absorbed in my heart because my studying efforts were unappreciated..from then on, i never really took studying as seriously as i did before..but i didn't neglect it..i wasn't mad, you know..what i didn't know was that i've developed a really low self-esteem, anger for myself, and anger for my mom..i practically loathed me and my mom..

fortunately enough, a simple yet very meaningful retreat taught me that life wasn't really about achievements and those honors..you can never carry that in heaven..though you must not neglect them, you should take into account first how you develop as a person when reaching those..you can always find another opportunity to have those, but you can never find another self..

just some months ago, specifically march, my older brother celebrated his birthday..and since some of my classmates already knew him, i gave his number to them and asked them to greet him..what i didn't know was that i was in for a really great surprise, not him..he texted me and his messages sort of told me that the greetings were unwelcomed..he was like, 'why did you give my number to them?!who are these people texting me?!'and being the pessimistic person that i am, i took it as an offense..i thought he didn't like them..and so, i vowed never to do that again..if it's someone's birthday, just greet them..don't let other people greet them, it might come unwelcomed..i was so pissed off that until now, it still affects me so much..you'd probably think im this very emotional and sensitive person, but i beg your pardon, that's just me..

and kuya, if you're actually reading this, i read earlier in our YM chat, that you did appreciate what i did..im sorry for not understanding, but i hope you understand too that people can't always be what you want them to be..im emotional and sensitive and i've been going through some hell of a time changing that, but it's not that easy you know..i just hope that next time, you pick your words more carefully because you might never know how much you hurt other people by saying offensive things..i understand that your the type who ultimately practical but as i said, people can't always be what you want them to be..i love you bro, but you know, it hurt really because you are my 'kuya'..

and by the way,i understand..i hope you'll be able to understand me too..

and this also goes to all those people who think my being emotional and sensitive is utterly annoying..sorry..

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