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Friday, April 22, 2005
notice how addicted i am with WWE..
9:07 PM
my brother once sent me this quote about desiring more..it said that maybe desiring more means losing everything..how true can that quote be?
well, i'll take randy orton (the most good-looking of all wrestlers) for one..he started out as an underdog for the group evolution, as founded by hunter hearst helmsley, otherwise known as triple h, along with his faithful other sidekicks, nature boy ric flair and the animal batista..it was like he really belonged..not until he won for himself the world heavyweight title, the belt which for so long had been the desire of triple h..because of that, the seemingly fantastic four of the wrestling industry disbanded(?) and disowned the youngest member and beat him to a pulp, as a bonus..later on, he totally disconnected himself from the group and placed upon himself a new identity: the legend
killer..his career then went from whish to bagoom!from mick foley, ric flair, and chris benoit, he made such an impact that fans totally made his career 'the big one'..honestly, i've been one of those fans but maybe many of those fans like me changed their minds, when, he targeted one of the greatest legends by the name of the Undertaker..he was so sure that he could beat the undertaker and i label that showing off..he even hurt his so-called girlfriend stacy kiebler just to show how determined he was to beat the 'dead man'..and guess what?because of that desire, he lost the match, his girlfriend and his fans..including me..(whatta?!)
i'll not also miss triple h..his sole desire is to become number one in the industry..because of that, he destroyed randy orton, losing one ally..later on, he plotted on transferring batista to smackdown so that the number one contender to the heavyweight title would be gone..unfortunately for him, batista overheard his plot and earned for himself the title..not only did he lost his ego, he also lost two allies and the title..now, i'll not only be dwelling on wrestling..you'll only notice how un-addicted i am to it..haha..anyway, i've also desired more than what i could handle..there came a point in my life that i really, really felt fat..as in i would always look at myself and say, 'oh, God..im a pig'..so from then on, i didn't really ate my lunch anymore..and i thought it would be best because not only do i lose the carbs but also save up some money for some of my
gimiks..unfortunately, my health sort of broke down..one day, i started to puke to no end even though my stomach didn't contain anything..then, it would hurt really, to the point that i could no longer tolerate it..that was then that i realized that i had ulcer..my mother had to scold for being irresponsible..imagine, losing your appetite and your good health..
and not only that..for the past few days, i staunchly desired that me and k_19 would be more than friends..but, oh well..now i know its kinda stupid to wish for that..because now, he's kinda not existing in my life anymore..and he's become colder and more distant as each days passes..
how true could that quote be?
on being too emotional and sensitive..
5:49 AM
doesn't it just suck when you've done something for some people so that they feel that they mean a lot to you, yet it came unappreciated?hurts like hell, doesn't it?especially if it you'd expect them to be really happy but turns out your efforts meant nothing to them while you were there, pouring out all the emotion and putting all the meaning because you loved them and they were really special..what a slap in the face..sometimes you'd even think, what a waste of effort..but of course, you love them that's why you just let it pass..that's what hurts more, i tell you..
during my grade school years, modesty aside, but i did excel academically..my mom would always go onstage to give me my award, whenever my dad was unavailable..frankly, i also got used to that..it was like, 'woohoo!im on top of the world!'but my world shattered when, at one time, my grades sort of just slid down like a cascading falls aided by gravity..but i still had my award; i felt relieved..yet, my mother seemed unsatisfied..then, my nightmare began..she started to compare me..with my brother..with my own bloody brother!i was really hurt, to put it simply..it was as if my hardworks were disregarded and what i did wasn't good enough..and for God's sake!how could she compare me with him?he's like freakin' 1st grade at that time and his math was like the basic 1+1!
but of course, even though i felt like i was stabbed to death, i let it pass..i told myself it was normal - that it was just some phase that my mom was going through because she wasn't used to it..yet, the nightmare continued..and it even became worse..from my academics, even my use as a 'daughter' was questioned..i was so hurt..it was so painful, i had to cry myself every night..but still, i accepted..i mean, she had every right, right?my mother had done everything for me and all i had to do was study and then i just screwed it all..so, i just drowned myself in formulas, in terms that seem to dissipate the instant i memorize them..i was practically, helpless..but i held on..and still, it wasn't enough for my mom..she had then pointed every mistake i made..and what was i supposed to do?act like i was some stone-hearted person, totally void of emotion?and then, maybe you can guess what i almost did - suicide..i was so ready to slash my wrist with that knife my mom sharpened the other night..but the image of my dad flashed in my mind..and i recalled how i promised myself i would finish my school and provide for my family so that my dad wouldn't have to work and be away from us..so from then on, i tried to numb myself, which was totally difficult considering the fact that i was a crybaby..later on, i realized, i'd just use my being a crybaby to my advantage..i told myself to cry it out everytime and let it pass with all the tears..then act like nothing has happened..in that way, they would never really know how you feel..
unfortunately for me, my freakin' world crumbled to an even more unbelievably microscopic pieces when on my freshman year, all i did was to be included in the 8th spot of the class..i cried of course..but mom never really realized how painful it was because she'd only see me cry..she never saw how all the pain would be absorbed in my heart because my studying efforts were unappreciated..from then on, i never really took studying as seriously as i did before..but i didn't neglect it..i wasn't mad, you know..what i didn't know was that i've developed a really low self-esteem, anger for myself, and anger for my mom..i practically loathed me and my mom..
fortunately enough, a simple yet very meaningful retreat taught me that life wasn't really about achievements and those honors..you can never carry that in heaven..though you must not neglect them, you should take into account first how you develop as a person when reaching those..you can always find another opportunity to have those, but you can never find another self..
just some months ago, specifically march, my older brother celebrated his birthday..and since some of my classmates already knew him, i gave his number to them and asked them to greet him..what i didn't know was that i was in for a really great surprise, not him..he texted me and his messages sort of told me that the greetings were unwelcomed..he was like, 'why did you give my number to them?!who are these people texting me?!'and being the pessimistic person that i am, i took it as an offense..i thought he didn't like them..and so, i vowed never to do that again..if it's someone's birthday, just greet them..don't let other people greet them, it might come unwelcomed..i was so pissed off that until now, it still affects me so much..you'd probably think im this very emotional and sensitive person, but i beg your pardon, that's just me..
and kuya, if you're actually reading this, i read earlier in our YM chat, that you did appreciate what i did..im sorry for not understanding, but i hope you understand too that people can't always be what you want them to be..im emotional and sensitive and i've been going through some hell of a time changing that, but it's not that easy you know..i just hope that next time, you pick your words more carefully because you might never know how much you hurt other people by saying offensive things..i understand that your the type who ultimately practical but as i said, people can't always be what you want them to be..i love you bro, but you know, it hurt really because you are my 'kuya'..
and by the way,i understand..i hope you'll be able to understand me too..
and this also goes to all those people who think my being emotional and sensitive is utterly annoying..sorry..
Thursday, April 21, 2005
here i go again..
11:15 PM
i was supposed to post this last night..unfortunately, my internet service provider was stupid enough to not connect..anyway, here is my second entry.
today, i went out with my two best friends, apple and jazm..we went to g4 and watched a flick entitled, 'guess who'..it was about this guy named simon green (ashton kutcher) who's with this black chick theresa jones (dunno who it was)..maybe a couple of days before her parents' 25th anniversary, simon was introduced to theresa's family and of course, problems started to arise because simon was white..percy, theresa's father (played by bernie mac), really didn't like simon..he then started to look for reasons why theresa isn't lucky to have simon..well, i don't really blame him for being a caring father, who wouldn't want the best for his child?but turns out, he made a pathetic father of himself, instead of a caring one..
you see, for me, 'over caring' sort of really blinded him because all he looked for was the financial security of his child, mistaking it for something else..he thought of the bad things that might happen to his daughter without even seeing the fact that theresa was truly happy..i mean, yeah, you should also think of that, but wouldn't it be better if instead of dwelling on the fact, he also saw the happiness that the love between simon and theresa has bloomed into?he stupidly overlooked the fact that color didn't really matter between simon and theresa..what mattered to the both of them was that they were happy, things work out, and that they were the better halves of each other..theresa was everything what simon wasn't and vice versa..it was like they complete each and without the other, one would certainly be empty and unhappy..
and like other stories, it ended happily, with percy learning that he'd become an unknowing stupid, selfish racist..he, of course, accepted simon and you can now add here the things that accompany a happy ending..
this story also reminds me of that one movie, fools rush in..although they had the same storyline, this movie more of dwelled on the belief and cultural differences of two people who fell in love with each other..it almost ended tragically because one of them thought that they were too different (their parents argued over religion; in which state they would live in, etc) and that they would never be able to compromise..so she gave up, with the fear of the pain of losing the guy..but you know what?she was definitely wrong in thinking that she knew better than the crazy little thing we call love..she thought love would never find a way to put them together, believing that they were better off without each other..
but as they say, 'love moves in mysterious ways'..love, together with fate, goes and finds very peculiar ways of putting together the most unlikely and different of couples..it goes into all the trouble of softening certain hearts and making it fall into the pit of the oxymoron which we call love..
and that's what i have learned through some experiences in my life..we can never really know better than love..it's like a double-edged sword, you'll hurt either way..difference is, on the other, it cuts deeper and takes a longer time to heal..there is no security, and so i've learned..that is why if faced with challenges, especially differences (may it be in color, religion, culture and belief), we should always look on the brighter side of things and find ways on how to overcome those challenges, using your heart and mind, not one over the other..because if you go against the ways of love, sometimes, it will only be like piercing yourself with the double-edged sword..
and just some other thing i've learned: if you really love each other, find reasons to be happy, not reasons to hurt yourself or somebody else..and know that there will never be rules in love..
end note:generally, this applies to steady relationships encountering challenges, specifically differences..i'll be sharing my belief on some other challenges in my other blog entries.. :)
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
yeah, change..
6:26 AM
honestly, it has taken me more than 24 hours to think about what i will write in my first blog..it was like one of those great changes you want to conquer and just go for..i really dunno but the idea of having a blog was really out of character for me..you see, im one of those persons who believe that letting others know what you feel and think will just be a means for them to know your weaknesses and then use it against you..but i just, you know, just felt it was time for me to open up cause i really can't close my doors to the real world forever, right?speaking of changes, it was this 2nd week of april that i realized that change does a lot to people..when you submerge yourself to change, it may either result to a really great dreamlike reality or it may turn out that you've just drowned yourself in a bottomless pool of nightmares that you just want to turn back time and wished you hadn't given change a chance..why, you ask..well, just read on..a really great dreamlike reality..for about 15 years or so, my mom has been this totally authoritarian type of parent..you know, she should always be followed, listened to and her decisions are totally irrevocable..and when you go against her, it's like you've paid a one-way ticket to hell..really, and that's no exaggeration..believe me..anyway, to cut the story short, she was invited to this spiritual group called El Shaddai..and it was like poof! she sort of just tamed down like some wild animal shot with a great dose of tranquilizer..and it was so surreal, really..the transformation was so unbelievable..but of course, like any soap opera, there had to be a sort of villain to the story..after sometime, she went back to that 'authoritarian' type of person..we had to go with her to their spiritual meetings, which were really not our thing, my brother and i..but of course, what could we do? finally, it had become too much again and it almost put my parents' marriage in jeopardy..can't tell the whole story here but im glad one night, she went back into a tamed wild animal when my dad knocked some sense into her..today, it's not much of a 'really great dreamlike reality', cause she still is a very authoritarian person, but at least it has taken away the impatient and hot-tempered mother we had..a bottomless pool of nightmares..for about seven months back from now, i met this really great guy..we were really compatible..we shared the same ideals, beliefs and sort of stuff..it was like he was a sort of soulmate.. and you see, without me realizing it, i've fallen for him..unfortunately for me, he liked someone else, my classmate..and what hurt more was the fact that i knew that my classmate practically didn't take him as her ideal..but still, i hid my feelings, fearing rejection, because you see, rejection has always been the twin of my lovelife..so there he was, continuously seeking the glance of that someone who would never like him..and i just played along, but i didn't let it pass without me giving him some simple hints of my feelings of course..but still, he took it as friendly quotes and messages..seeing that i really had no chance, i remained on the subtle side, just waiting for that time when finally he'd notice me..and so he did..that was yesterday, 19th of april, tuesday..i sent him this quote which at the end said, "...i would've done anything for that simple i love you..."..and then he said he already told me he loved me, only in french..j'adore vous..and so i was really, really surprised..at first, i denied it but he said it was true..and so, i accepted it as true..but you know what? it seems now that it's really not.. you see, he's changed..he's not the same funny person i knew and come to love..it's as if the kevin i knew had disappeared, abducted by unknown elements of this universe..and that's saying something because it's been only a span of hours..i really wish he hadn't told me that, even if it was true..i wouldn't wish for it in a lifetime if it meant him changing his attitude towards me..i really wish he didn't..because it hurt more than when i knew that he liked my classmate more..but you see, it's been my fault too..maybe i just love - no, got infatuated - with him too much that i got caught up in the situation..and so, i think change just one heck of a situation which can define what you'll experience next..it's a matter of deciding and accepting what could happen next..so, be careful with your decisions..as for me, i'll just be hanging on here until things get better for me and him..
