i feel so miserable.

no, change that. i felt miserable earlier. although i have to admit, i still have a sort of "hangover" from all the crying and stuff. (can you believe i cried while listening to Lu:Na?)

i just realized that today, i really don't have to take formal japanese lessons.

just the thought of that makes me miserable again.

im not really sure but i think it's the feeling of disappointment. you know, that kind of feeling. when you're ultimately determined to do something but something just slaps you in the face and wakes you up to reality that 'hey, there are much more important things that matter'. it just had to rub in and sink in a little too late; clawing me at the heart when it's already very very determined to go for it. sigh. i wish i knew better. i wish i weighed things more accurately than be driven by selfish determination. disappointed in the sense that you knew you could have known better but you just had to miss out on that single reality - financial reality.

im sorry dad. i didn't see that coming.

i swear next time, i'd be more mature than this.

~O~

PHILOSOPHY FOR THE DAY:

If you know how to read and write, there's technically nothing you can't learn.

so after this very emo and dramatic day, im off to developing a more mature michelle arianne fabian. besides, i remember my mommy cris who learned chinese and she didn't even spend a penny on some language center. all it takes is RIGHT determination. it's not that we can't afford those lessons. it's just that there are more important things on which we can spend the money on - like our tuition fees (enrollment is just around the corner). my mom just had to remind me. silly, silly me.

~O~

~O~

i miss school.

i miss the toxicity.

i miss getting only four hours of sleep.

i miss it -- an indefinite noun which i assign to signify whatever it is that i miss (because i can't pinpoint what it is, really).

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just recently, i've been introduced by two of my friends to j-rock (that's japanese rock, if you might ask). and so far, i've been really liking it. i've been gawking (a favorite term, nowadays)over gackt's songs, especially his ballads (as you might have noticed, lyrics of his songs are on the right side of your monitor). it's not really because gackt's this very *hot* (and i mean HOT) and sexy singer (btw, he's taken -- by vicci) but mainly because the lyrics are very simple yet they are awestruckingly (?) deep; the meaning which the songs hold are just amazing. i definitely recommend his songs for those who are into those extraordinary ballads. it really is worth hearing, mind you. :) there's also l'arc en ciel. i've also heard a couple of their songs and one word to describe them: COOL. actually, beyond cool. just ask ms. pao grajo how cool they are. ;)

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and because of my growing fondness for my eye-look-a-like's, i've also taken interest in taking japanese language lessons this summer. i mean, (for me) it would be better if i can translate j-rock songs myself than merely rely on websites for that, right? besides, i've been bugging my mom and dad about my violin (i've been dying to learn how to play that) yet it hasn't come so i thought i'd learn something else and make summer worthwhile. but i've been searching for a center or something for that and i can't find anything until now. does someone with a kind heart know a center somewhere? please tell me if you do. thanksies! :)

yesterday, i got really pissed with my mom.

it was not that we had a row or something. it was simply because she became utterly annoying because she has, for the past five months or so, bugging me about my lovelife.

first, she calls me "mangkay" -- old maiden, as Cebuanos would term it. i told her, im not afraid to be one. in fact, if i turn out to be that, i'd be proud because i don't need the opposite sex to make me happy, right? and besides, right now, i don't really need guys to complicate my already complicated life. screw lovelife! singularity is what i need right now. and im content with just gawking over my crushes and stalking them (oops!). haha.

second, she's been reminding me of the very things i want to leave behind in the past. i want to forget those "memories" and here she is continuously texting my "pasts" and when they go all dramatic about how they lost me or something, she'd make me read their freaking and definitely ANNOYING texts that can piss me off the second i read them. i mean, does she really need to make me read those? personally, (no offense to my mom) but i think its utterly stupid. these texts can just make them hope that i'll return to them or something. for God's sake, they have to MOVE ON!

to them: how many times do i have to tell you that i don't recycle? recycling is for trash. are you trashes? or are you just concrete examples of dumb and dumber? besides, you've already lost me. you can't make me return to you. that way, i'd be dumbest.

these are the reasons why sometimes, im truly afraid of commitments. either they get used of you having relationships that you being single is just plain impossible, or some people just get too attached to the relationship that they can't move on and let go.

and here's a thought: why did I let go in first place? well, i think they haven't really realized what "commitment" really means. appreciation -- something i'd want because that's what i lack in life. but in the past relationships i had, it was something they never gave me, honestly. TSAKA LANG NAMAN SILA MAGKAKAROON NG CELLPHONE, PANAHON, TELEPONO, LOAD, at PERA PAG WALA KA NA. taeng philosophy yan. give me a break! bakit hindi sila magkaroon ng mga ganyan habang anjan pa ko? complacency -- kasi alam nilang handa akong maghintay. pero, tell you what, nakakasawa ang setup na yan. I HATE IT!

God, i hate it when i lose it like that. but anyway the only solution is: MOVE ON. what's the use of holding on to a relationship na sila lang ang benefited? call me selfish but i think i deserve something more than "wait lang ha?".

at sa mga natamaan: wag na kayong mag-react. wala nang magagawa yan. itago niyo yang kadramahan sa mga pwet niyo. di ko kailangan yan.

yesterday was such a depressing day. well, aside from the fact that it was the day for my chemistry lecture finals, it was also my last day as a freshman.

the night before, i pictured the last day in my mind: tearful, flushed classmates uttering goodbyes and good luck's before leaving. actually, i promised myself i wouldn't cry if that happened. ironically, it didn't happen yet i felt like crying.

the last day didn't quite go like what i imagined and experienced in my high school. sure, people were saying goodbyes and goodluck's but the last day stopped there. it was as if the ten months we spent together as classmates didn't matter. such a shame it had to be that way.

anyway, i was still happy when i left because i got to spend some time with Nello Inc: pao, vicci, geejay, val, and phil. jana, joemel, and mai were there. although just wasn't there (she had to leave coz her dad was waiting for her), we spent bonding moments in kenny rogers in lacson.we were telling stories about one another and there was one thought we all shared: ten months back, we didn't think we'd be spending the last day together. we all had and have our differences but we sure developed good friendships.

later that afternoon, we had to part ways but val, pao, and i stayed behind. we walked around the campus and talked about more stories and stuff. we watched the seniors march their way towards their baccalaurreate (?) mass. we hope we'll get to that point too.anyway, it was nice knowing that my first year in college ended imperfectly yet just the way i wanted it to be. :)

+ niningruba.

+ just.

+ vicci.

thankyouthankyouthankyou.

:)

i really don't know why people have this tendency of misunderstanding you.

i mean, come on. what does it take for one to know the real reason why someone's like this, or like that?

just today, my mom talked to me about my friend jek. she said jek was hurt when i told him that may not be able to understand my notes if i let him borrow them. 'hindi naman daw siya bobo', as he put it.

well, jek (if ever you're reading this) here are the reasons why:

i was not telling, or implying for that matter, that you are "bobo" as you say. i know for a fact that you are an intelligent person capable of comprehending whatever it is that is in my notes/handouts. what i was implying was that the notes i took were purely from the discussions of my teachers and reports of my classmates. now, most of those notes can only be understood with the presence of the report or the previous discussion. you say that it is only out of idleness that you want to see my notes. but the way i see it, don't get me wrong (again), you'd want to be ready for the course. frankly, that's not really good, as i have realized recently. nursing is a very heavy course, as we know. but as unpredictable as it is, i believe you can learn more and ease the toxicity if put in a little enjoyment and go with the flow. believe me. been there, done that.

and about me being "galet sa mundo". i was not referring to you. i was referring to the other friend i talked about in the previous entry. now, if you're referring (forgive my redundancy) to me not responding to your texts, i hope you understand that for the past weeks, i've been really busy. school works take most of my time. i can't even spend quality time with my family; how can i spend it on texting friends other than about school stuff?

jek, of all people, i expected you to understand. im sorry but i hope you know that things can't always go the way you want it to be.

im sorry if by some honest mistake i've offended you. but i HOPE you UNDERSTAND me too.

and you're still welcome to borrow my notes if you want to. i'll find some time to let you borrow them.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

+ misunderstoodbymom

+ misunderstoodbyneil

+ misunderstoodbyclassmates

+ misunderstoodbywilliam

+ misunderstoodbyboys

+ misunderstoodbysanepeople

.dad.GOD.kuya.

-THANKyouFORunderstanding-

to GAILBERT VITO BOSEA: thank you very much for pointing out the obvious. thank you for slapping it on my face. most of all, thank you because, because of that, i can say im stronger and i've realized that you can never really tell who your *true* friends are until they hurt you.

personally, i can't say that what he said was constructive criticism because it has hit my already crumbling self-esteem -- destructive as they would say. but i can't erase the fact that now, i have something that has made me stronger and more numb to people like him.

to people who are vertically-challenged like me: don't let what other people say about your physique get to you much. they are just those people who are too insensitive and don't know that in the real world, people are equal regardless of weight or physique. be happy with who you are and show those people that inspite of the existence of your excess baggage, you can live with it and go on with life. just forgive them, especially now that it's lent. God has better plans for you and loves you for who and what you are.

to people like gailbert: if you've got nothing good to say, just shut your mouths and mind your own business.

for now, im moving on. have to study for my finals. ciao!

last night, out of sheer desperation for enjoyment, i watched this japanese anime together with my brother. although it was pretty much out of my league as a college student, i found it quite interesting and fun to watch.

the episode was something i found simple but meaningful. of course, my hopeless romantic senses were attuned with it. in the episode, the main villain, who was a demon, was searching for something which he could turn into an evil thing, as what most villains would do. he came across this stone which he obviously turned into a stone demon. this stone demon turned everything into stone and when he saw this bird flying, he did. but of course, stone can't defy the laws of gravity and so, the "stone bird" fell on the villain's head. this knocked him out and when he woke up, he had no recollection of who he was and why he was there. and then he saw this woman, ms. aiko, i think. because of his condition, ms. aiko helped him and they spent the whole day together. at the end of the day, he realized he was falling in love with ms. aiko.

suddenly, the stone demon he created appeared from nowhere and threatened to harm them. fortunately, he still had his powers and he knocked the stone demon out. because of that, he thought that ms. aiko would think of him as freak. of course, ms. aiko didn't. and the typical scene of superheroes-fighting-against-evil followed when the three superheroes came. unfortunately, another stone fell on the head of the villain and that was when he remembered everything. it was so sad they way he didn't remember ms. aiko and told her to go away. he immediately ran in aid of his stone demon and transformed to his old self.

after the fight, ms. aiko returned to that bridal shop she was in at the start of the episode. she was holding and staring at the picture of her, with the villain, which one of her journalist students took when they were together. sadly, she turned away.

ahhh, love! such tragedy.

i hope the episode has a continuation though. ;)

i am ashamed to admit this. but yes, i forgot about thanking God for the many things He had given me today -- guidance in the tests i took, patience, safety, security.

how stupid of me. i really didn't know why i forgot going to santissimo rosario church when it was just a hike away from the carpark.

tomorrow, i'd have to make it up to Him and say sorry.

but for now, im really sorry God.. :(

again, i took a break from the usual burdens of school..

yesterday, kuya dean, neil and i ate lunch together..in banana leaf, glorietta..the food was just heaven and i felt really full for the rest of the afternoon..and night..hmmmm..

of course, we bonded again..with the usual kamustahan's and stuff..and my kuya and i found something common between us that day..we were both mentally exhausted (laymen's term: ngarag) and eyebags were just too big for our liking..and that singularity was just too good to be wasted..hehe..anyway, although we almost caused traffic because kuya fell asleep during traffic in the intersection, the day was technically enjoyable.. :)

today, i was, as usual, cramped and was suffering from intense dysmennorhea and mittlesmerz..take note, it happened at 3am..imagine waking up because of a throbbing, and excruciating pain in the abdomen in the morning..God, help me..

when my medicine kicked in, i fell asleep for a good couple of hours..i woke up, did my morning rituals, drank coffee, took an imaginary bath..and then proceeded to doing my assignments..

God, i wish i could live through this..

but i learned something..prioritization is the key and multi-tasking should only be a second option..learn to take things slowly so that your mental exhaustion can be minimized..

and do sleep..

it does wonders..

now, unto theo..i have to do the script for our presentation..and then study for chemistry..lipids and proteins..

T_T